Working from home - Trials and challenges and...

So here we are, four-five months into this most recent 2020 Bingo-card entry of "dystopian-like pandemic" leading to separation from friends and coworkers and a 'new normal", as people keep saying. So where am I in this pandemic? I'd like to say I'm hanging in there, dealing as well as I can while helping my anxiety ridden partner and my panic-attack driven step-son.

I'd like to...

I'm struggling, friends. I don't know what to do. I want to curl up and cry really but that isn't practical. I'm still on my anti-depression meds - I forget them a lot but catching back up and feeling better now. Anxiety meds are on tap and using only half what is prescribed except when I need them. The two issues are - my husband is incredibly worried for me and son, and basically panics every time I have to go to work, no matter how careful I am, and my step-son, who is descending into a depression the likes of which I was at the brink of but never fell all the way in. And I'm the "Strong one" - Hah!

How to keep him on the level without attempting something drastic (see earlier mention of familiarity with Phoenix Psychiatric facilities). How to still do my job while not putting my husband in a stressful mode? How to deal with daily challenges without wanting to cry in a ball in the closet, but being unable to for fear of setting off one of the others. Last time I had a chance to cry I couldn't decide to cry or be really angry. I just laid there numbly for ten min then gave up.

I'm balanced on a razor's edge and trying to stay afloat. My psychology meeting are in the main room as my work laptop is my platform and it had no battery until today so future I can get private into my bedroom - that is a relief NOW. 

No idea when my med doc - sorry psychiatrist, will check in - can't remember the last time we talked.

What is working for you?

Side notes, many at work have been tested due to exposure. One friend/spouse of friend has died - still processing. Really want to just cry in a corner but ! Essential worker! Yay... Sigh. I need a hug - hubby is great but need more.

Miss you all...

May is Mental Health Awareness month

 Note: this is a re-write to focus my thoughts better.  Please enjoy and comment if you can.  There will be a part two. 

Depression and anxiety. 

Topics we don't typically talk about,  even to our best friends. There is guilt and shame tied to every diagnosis by popular media. 

So,  why do I want to talk about it?

I don't - want to talk about it. 

Even bringing it up causes the weight on my chest to intensify and my breathing to pick up, but I believe it is an under-represented emotion in our lives that needs further representation - immediately.

As a long term type one diabetic patient, as with many other chronic,  day to day diseases,  I live with the normal stresses healthy people have,  plus a minute by minute awareness of everything that affects my blood sugar and how to manage it.  Even with all the technology available for us to help us"manage" diabetes,  its not a cure,  and its still a constant thought.

So with all that going on,  depression and anxiety seem inevitable,  don't they? So why did I call it under-represented?

Very true - staggeringly true even - it is not low in existence - it is low in discussion - especially from those who are clinically depressed and even more to the point,  among the chronically afflicted auto immune patients. 

 There are all sorts of statistics that will prove that it's out there, but talking about it pulls such a feeling of failure from the "patient" - heretofore known as "me" that even mentioning it makes me feel like I did something wrong in my life to be here.

Full disclosure - I am currently on leave from work for mental health reasons. No I didn't "do anything stupid" - an offensive term I'll explain later. I merely, after 4-5 years of increasing stress - found myself at a point where concentration to do even the littlest things, like driving and eating, was non-existent. Where mini-panic attacks, with increased respiration, chest tightness almost feeling like a heart attack, and feeling the need to flee or hit something to distract myself, was not only a daily thing, it was an hourly occurrence. I realized I needed help somewhere leading up to that and talked to my professionals and some friends who have been where I am and got help.

Along the way I encountered surprise - that I couldn't handle the stress as well as others in my area - as if work was my only stressor (not that diabetes, dealing with my fathers cancer, slow death and being his executor had anything to do with it). I encountered disbelief, that an "extended vacation" could do anything to help - from even those closest to me.

Ultimately, many, many crying fits later - mostly in my car by the side of the road, I decided a leave of absence to get my life in order was necessary.

Let me get back to Depression - what is it?
Merriam-Webster defines Clinical depression as:
     Medical Definition of clinical depression

       : depression of sufficient severity to be brought to the attention of a physician and to           require treatment

       specifically : MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER
You can go to the link on major depressive disorder if you want to see where my head was for a long time. Add to that "generalized anxiety disorder" and you'll see why I felt it necessary to take time off.Ignoring all that for a moment - I am a unique individual - as we all are, but in this case - I've been through several points in my life where I felt the need to make a CHANGE.Yes - it's capitalized and bolded for a reason.It's important to note a couple of things here.1. At the time I took leave, I knew, or was no more than one person removed from, three wonderful people who took their lives.2. I know at least three people who worked their way into heart attacks or strokes in the past three years.3. I know all about the Phoenix Psychiatric situation and it terrifies me.Given the above, I have sworn (silently) that I will not inflict suicide on my loved ones - no matter how attractive a way to end my problems it might appear. This was an old vow from college I have renewed recently. I have also sworn that if my health is being impacted I need to do something about it.As a result - I am working on me. I'm going to cut this short now and talk more later, but the following points are important for those who care to follow this:a) I am getting helpb) It is really difficult and I am by no means enjoying this time off c) The guilt is overwhelming - have been talking to my psych about thatd) even med changes and more drastic measures (TMS - look it up) have not made significant changes - but some minor ones so far.e) larger changes are in storef) My husband loves me and is here for me. no matter if he understands or not, and that means the world to me..
My friends - I love you and miss you.More later,S.